It doesn’t take much, just a moment in the middle of the night. A thought catches and doesn’t let go. It starts small and grows, building, building, building into something so much greater, until it seems nearly monumental and unconquerable. Then there’s no letting it go.
Was it a dream? A sound? An undigested hot dog that isn’t sitting well? What caused it? Why did it happen? That seems to be the question, doesn’t it?
If I could only be productive in the midst of it. If I could somehow tap into my creative juices when sleep fails to return, how great would that be? Productivity would at least help me to see the silver lining a little bit more. But hours of sleeplessness with nothing much accomplished seems like such a waste.
Yes, it starts with that one thought and that thought grows until more thoughts join it. It’s a thought party, they love to get together and consume my mind. They love to grab a hold and not let go. They’re good at that, it’s almost like hijacking my mind.
And once in a while, I can actually accomplish something in the midst of it all. Catch up on writing or finish a book. Get to that movie that I’ve been waiting so long to watch. Forced productivity can sometimes work.
Thinking can be exhausting though. That’s what I hope for, to think so much that I’m exhausted. Sometimes it works….sometimes it doesn’t.
I’ve always thought that we should form a club, those of us who can’t sleep. At least we would know who was with us in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, waiting to be overtaken once again by sleep. At least we could know who we might call in the midst of it all. Insomniacs unite.
What I need is an outlet, a healthy one. Working out. Riding my bike. Forcing my body to submit to me rather than the other way around. It’s worth the effort, but I think I may be fighting a losing battle.
Regardless, here I sit, sleepless. And so, I will wait, and wait, and wait some more. I will sleep again, but in the meantime……